If you don't hit it off with a guy right away on the first date, does that mean you're destined for failure? That's one of the questions asked in a really good book I'm reading right now called 'Mid-Life Ex-Wife'. The book's about a recently divorced 50 year old woman who jumps into online dating with her heart and vajayjay wide open. Ok it may not be WIDE open, but this chick is pretty much up for anything. You know those classic guys who's opening line is 'How's it going sugar?" or "Looking good tonight!" Yup, she agrees to go on a date with them. Guess someone has to. The woman even agrees to a date with a sex-aholic kinky dude who messaged her asking if she'd ever fantasized about rape. So. Messed Up. But gotta give her props for getting out there I guess. In no surprise, she doesn't end up actually connecting with any of the psychos, but some interesting questions do arise from her experiences.
One question she keeps asking herself is if two people don't experience "fireworks" on the first date, does that mean they're doomed forever? A few times she goes on dates with guys where they have a pleasant walk along the river or chat and drink beers at a pub. Pleasantries are exchanged, a few giggles and prolonged eye contacts made, but it isn't exactly the stuff you'd shout about from the top of Mount Everest. Still, should she give them a second chance or does a comme si, comme ca first date equal a comme si, comme ca relationship?
My first date with my boyfriend Deryck is the perfect example. Sure, we had a great time. I liked his voice and warm demeanour. I liked the fact he could keep the conversation going and had an easy laugh. And he wasn't bad on the eyes either. But honestly, could I tell you after that first date we were destined to be together? That we had had such a soul-connecting, epic experience chatting about his City Job and my love of jeggings that we knew hands down we were destined to be together forever? No. Honestly, my only expectations were he could form sentences and didn't want to murder me. Things change as your ovaries age. I'd say it took a good month to see the full Deryck. The silly, loud, off-the-cuff man that made me fall for him and some days want to kill him. (Who's the murderer now!)
On a different note, think about the first time you meet a new coworker. Chances are at first there's a shy timid undertone to your exchanges that begins to wither away the more you get to know them. Before long your banter is through the roof and you know waaaaaay too much about their at-home shaving routine. That connection takes time yo! And yet why is it we expect the complete opposite from dating?
It's time we start being empathetic to the human condition. Humans are shy, scared, defensive, creatures. It's literally in our DNA from back in the caveman days to be timid and self-defensive when first meeting other people as they could pose a threat to your land or family.
Be patient with one another my Homo Sapiens.
- Vanessa xoxo