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Losing 'Me' to Motherhood

June 20, 2020

I'm nine weeks pregnant which means in just 31 weeks time I"m going to cradling a mutant. I mean infant! As happy as I am, dare I say, am I ready for this? Do I want this?


I feel like social media in general has become this giant circus of mom Influencers like Jillian Harris posting endless photos of how "amazing" motherhood is. Every pic so filtered and photoshopped, every family member beaming with smiles day in and day out (dude you're at a two year olds birthday party and Chucky Cheese, how exciting can it be?)


This is the same motherhood that includes spitups, 3am feeds, never-ending diaper changes, stretch marks, and no sex, right?  Ok, cool just checking! Unfortunately the reality of parenthood and what it entails doesn't make it to social media often. As long as happiness sells influencers will continue to shelve the truth of parenthood and push the illusion of a perfect life down consumers throats, all to, at the end of the day let's be honest, make a paycheque. (don't even get me started on how I feel about parents literally marketing their kids for cash, it truly, truly repulses me).


But are these so-called happy Moms and Dads 100% fulfilled with their lives? Does not even a small part of them miss their old life before 5am wakeups and preschool dropoffs? You know those photos that used to litter your Insta feed of random adventures and travels, late night parties, hiking mountain peaks etc?? Or does none of that even remotely compare to baby selfies and selling the latest Diaper Genie where if you use the purchase code 'LOVE' you get 10% off!


 Venice, Italy 2015


 Vegas with my sister 2017


 Deryck and me rappelling down a cave in Mexico!

Honesty time. Since the day I found out I was pregnant I have been terrified of losing myself to motherhood. The person who used to love to write endless blogs, buy a last-minute ticket to China, meet strangers on Craiglist to "jam" on the guitar and piano, volunteer at Senior homes, dream of being a breakfast television host, won two documentary awards in school. What's going to happen to her?  There's so many dreams I want to accomplish before I die. Write a book. Live on a Carribean island. Make a documentary film. Change a Life. Am I going to be able to accomplish all those with a baby on my hip? Am I even allowed to be saying these thoughts aloud or does that make me a truly horrible, selfish person? 


 My current job hosting the Midday Show at 107.7 Pulse FM in Surrey 


I know what you're thinking. "Dude, you chose to get pregnant, grow up!" Of course this is a path I chose. There's nothing I"m more exited about than to become a Mom. I"m 100% in, I truly, truly am and can't wait to hold that bundle of joy in my arms and raise him or her. But am I also not allowed to be scared of losing myself in the process?

I guess at the end of the day none of us know the exact effect Motherhood will have on us. Maybe some women wish nothing more than to lose themselves in the role, to become a whole different person. For other there's nothing more important than maintaining their independance, who they were before becoming a Mom or Dad. At the end of the day though none of us truly know the exact effect parenthood will have on our lives and priorities until we jump in.


I just hope 18 years from now as I watch Ethan or Faye walk across the graduation stage in his cap and gown, I will still recognize myself. Until then I will cling to her with everything I got.

- Vanessa xox





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