Losing 'Me' to Motherhood

I'm nine weeks pregnant which means in just 31 weeks time I"m going to cradling a little, mini me an d Deryck. As happy and ecstatic as I am, dare I say, am I really ready for this?

I feel like social media has become this giant circus of mom Influencers like Jillian Harris posting endless photos of how "amazing" motherhood is. Every pic perfectly filtered and photoshopped, every member of the family beaming from ear to ear (dude you're at a cake smash party, not Disneyland)

This is the same parenthood that, if I"m not mistaken, also includes goopy milk spitups, late night feeds at god knows what hour, never-ending poopy diapers and diarrhea, stubborn leftover stretch marks, and sex once a week if you're lucky, right? Ok, cool just checking! Unfortunately reality isn't sexy and doesn't make it to social media often. As long as happiness continues to sell, influencers will continue to shelve the real truth of parenthood and push the illusion of a complete bliss down consumers throats, to, let's be honest at the end of the day, make a paycheque or further promote their brand.

But how many of these Moms and Dads are actually 100% fulfilled? I'm no parent yet but I can only imagine parenthood it is a huge change in one's life. Does not even a small part of them miss their old life of 10am sleepins, late night parties, hiking epic mountain peaks in Brazil etc?? Or does none of that even remotely compare to baby selfies and selling the latest Diaper Genie where if you use the purchase code 'LOVE' you get 10% off!

Venice, Italy 2015

Vegas with my sister 2017

Deryck and me rappelling down a cave in Mexico!

I'm just going to say it. Since the day I found out I was pregnant I have been terrified of losing myself to motherhood. The person who once bought a last-minute ticket to China and put a shoutout on Facebook to see if anyone wants to come. The person who would meet up with random strangers on Craiglist to jam and play music (by 'jam' I mean sing ha), volunteered at Senior homes, built homes for families in Mexico, won two journalism documentary awards in school. What's going to happen to her? There's so many dreams I still want to accomplish before I die. Write a book. Live on a Carribean island. Produce a documentary. Change a life. Am I going to be able to do all these things with little rug rats at my hip? Am I even allowed to be saying such thoughts or does that make me a truly horrible, selfish person?

My current job hosting the Midday Show at 107.7 Pulse FM in Surrey

I can only imagine what you might be thinking reading this. "Dude, you're the one who chose to get pregnant, grow up!" Or "Dude you're 33, you can't be having 'fun' forever!" Yes this is a path I chose and I know in my heart of hearts it is the one I want. Ever since I was young I've always known I want to experience motherhood before I die. To bring a kid into the world that is a part of you and the one you love, sounds truly magical. But am I also not allowed to be scared of losing myself in the process? I guess at the end of the day none of us can predict the effect Motherhood will have on us. Will I still care about the things I did before I became a Mom? Will I have the same motivation as before to continue to cross off that bucket list? Will I even be a good mother?

I don't know.

I just hope 18 years from now as I watch our precious Ethan or Faye walk across the stage in his cap and gown, I will still recognize myself. Until then I will cling to her with everything I got.

- Vanessa xox

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